Kids, as you know, Lily and Marshall had decided to move to Rome...
...after Barney and Robin's wedding. - We're going to Italy.
But without telling Lily, Marshall then accepted a judgeship in New York...
Good luck with that, Your Honor.
... until his always-helpful road trip companion Daphne had come to his aid.
- You texted Lily that I took the job? - You're welcome.
You were torturing yourself figuring out how to tell her, I broke the ice.
I was standing on that ice.
Now I'm gonna be bobbing face down on a frigid creek.
I do not need to know the nasty way you apologize to your wife.
And frigid? Maybe you're just doing it wrong.
Hi, baby.
I can't believe you did this behind my back.
- I should've talked to... - Thanks to you, we're stuck all weekend...
...in the room with a ghost in it. - Room with a...?
We got 13? The room that's haunted by the ghost of Captain Dearduff?
We got the who to what, now?
Ripped By mstoll
Marshall had recently discovered that the Farhampton Inn was featured...
...in an episode of The Ghost Network's original series...
...True and Real Ghost Stories of the Supernatural.
There, see? The Farhampton Inn. I told you it sounded familiar.
In 1843, the streets of Farhampton, Long Island...
...were stalked by a vicious killer named Captain Blazeby Dearduff.
Dubbed Dearduff the Hooker, he murdered dozens of unwary travelers...
...with his sharpened hook.
Ironically, that hook would prove Dearduff's own undoing...
...one wintry night in Room 13 of the Farhampton Inn.
Uh-oh.
He was found the next morning frozen to death.
Boom.
Some say you can still hear Captain Dearduff's cries coming from Room 13.
Cold. So cold.
Help me. Help me.
We can see you, Ron.
Some say you can still hear the thump of his peg...
...and the scrape of his hook.
Others say Dearduff the Hooker was just a popular male prostitute...
...who murdered no one and died of syphilis in 1848.
Let's hear from some people who have actually survived a night in Room 13.
Did I see a ghost?
Of course. Yes. There are such things as ghosts.
So have you seen the ghost?
Not yet, but that might just be because ghosts don't exist, Marshall!
So explain the night shirt we saw flying around our cabin in the Poconos.
An owl got stuck in it. We saw it fly out the neck hole.
Yeah, the ghost of an owl that died in that cabin.
Plus, it's a crappy room, but when I tried to complain...
The thermostat in my room is broken, the AC won't turn off.
Ooh.
Sounds like the work of Captain Dearduff. He brings with him the icy chill of death.
So bad luck there.
Night-night.
Sounds like you're using Captain Dearduff as an excuse for a crappy room.
I beg your pardon.
I did not get to be a 40-year-old night clerk by making excuses.
If there's anything wrong that isn't ghost-related, I'm happy to address it.
Okay, the Wi-Fi doesn't work.
- Ghosts interfere with electronic devices. - The shower's leaking.
Dearduff likes the sound of dripping, reminds him of his bleeding victims.
And the door won't lock.
Captain Dearduff doesn't want to be locked out of his room.
Why would a locked door keep a ghost out? Can't they walk through walls?
Maybe he's afraid of rats.
There are rats in the walls?
No.
And the inn's booked up because of the wedding so we can't change rooms.
Oh, that sucks.
I'm sorry, baby.
If Dearduff does manifest, you know the way to harvest ectoplasm?
- Good news. All set for the dove release. - What?
When we leave the church, they're gonna release 100 doves.
It's going to be avi-wait-for-it-ary. Aviary.
- Oh. That might be a problem. - Why?
When we leave the church, a few of the gun enthusiasts in my family...
...are going to fire a 21-gun salute.
Oh, look, one got away...
- Can't your guys just fire blanks? - At a wedding? Ha, ha.
Yeah, that's romantic.
Did I see a ghost?
Of course. Yes. There are such things as ghosts.
Ooh. Ah.
Ted? What the hell are you doing in my room?
Uh...
There was an explanation.
You see, after Marshall got off the phone with Lily, he had called me.
- Hey, buddy, what's...? - Ted.
Sneak into Lily's room, find her phone and delete the last text she got.
- Why? What's...? - I need you to do this, no questions asked.
And as we both know, you owe me a "no questions asked."
- Hey. - Hey. Listen.
I need you to do something for me, no questions asked.
- What is it? - Meet me at the corner of 53rd and Eighth.
Bring your drill.
Marshall.
What the hell?
- How did you...? - No questions asked.
I broke federal law drilling you out of that.
Hey, I was a man in need.
I know, you were a "Priority Male."
You said you'd stop doing that joke...
...after the editor of Bazooka Joe comics rejected it.
That man is a comedy snob. The point is, you owe me a "no questions asked."
- Okay, okay. I'll delete the text. - Thank you.
I just have to figure out how to get into Lily's room.
Easy. The lock on her door is busted, so...
- The drain pipe. - What?
There's a drain pipe near her window. And no big deal, I can totally climb it.
- I'll call you when it's done. - Her door is unlock...
Uh, Marshall wanted me to check on you.
He was worried that you might be scared all alone in the ghost room.
Remind me to call you next time Marvin has a nightmare.
You can calm him by bursting into his room with a chainsaw and a hockey mask.
I didn't want to knock in case you were asleep...
...so I just climbed the drain pipe, no big deal...
...and opened the latch with this coat hanger.
I would've called, but, uh, I didn't know if you'd have your phone handy.
Say, where is that old phone of yours?
Ted, I am not scared, so why don't you head back to your room and...? Aah!
I guess you can stay until I fall asleep. If it'll make you feel better.
And if it'll make you feel even better, you can sing me a version of Marvin's lullaby?
Okay. Okay.
Night-night, little Lily
No ifs, ands, or buts
No peg-legged ghost is waiting To hook out your guts
- Ted. - Sorry. Sorry.
Nighty-night.
Cold.
So cold.
Help me.
Oh, God, the Hooker's here.
Ted, I'm not gonna cheat on Robin.
But you're a hell of a best man for getting me one, buddy. Where is she?
All right, I'll take a lap dance. Can I borrow some sweatpants?
Barney, what are you doing in there?
Marshall asked me to do something for him, no questions asked.
I forgot to get my cousin David something for his Bar Mitzvah last week.
- Could you send the hooker to his room? - Marshall called you too?
Turns out I wasn't Marshall's first call.
- Can't your guys just fire blanks? - At a wedding? Heh.
Yeah, that's romantic.
- I wish I'd known about the guns. - I wish I'd known about the doves.
We don't think about checking with the other person before doing something.
Honestly, I think that's what broke us up the first time.
We're both lone wolves, always off in our own worlds.
That's not gonna work.
Not in a marriage, no.
What? I was thinking about getting the doves Kevlar tuxedos...
...but that's not gonna work, no time for fitting.
- Hey. - I need you to get to Lily's phone...
...and delete the last text she got.
- Why? What did you...? - I need you to do it, no questions asked.
As you'll recall, you owe me a "no questions asked."
- Hello. - Marshall, rush to Macy's in Herald Square.
Find the utility closet on the third floor. Bring me the following:
A clean pair of underwear, clean pair of pants, box of moist towelettes...
...hand sanitizer, and a garbage bag. No questions asked.
You deuced your pants.
Never mind.
You didn't wind up helping me, so it doesn't count. Face.
I'm the one who should be embarrassed by that story.
But that wasn't the time I meant. This was last fall.
Hey, I got here as fast as I could. You okay?
Yeah, fine. These quacks said I was "unfit" to leave on my own. Blah, blah, blah.
"Danger to myself. Blah, blah, blah.
Whoever signs me out is legally responsible for my act..."
- I need you to sign me out. - What happened?
Ah-ah. I said no questions asked.
Star, clover, horseshoe.
Barney, did you swallow real versions of all the Lucky Charms items?
No questions asked.
Let's hit the bar, I'm buying. I won $50 from an Irish guy on a dare.
Fine, I'll delete the text. How am I supposed to get into Lily's room?
- Easy. The lock on her door is busted... - Air ducts.
- What? - I'll use the air ducts to get into her room...
...just like the bad guy in Die Hard.
Barney, Bruce Willis is not the bad guy in Die... Not important.
- The door is not lock... - Call you when it's done.
Anyway, I was saying, we need to be better about talking before doing stuff.
Can't talk. Doing stuff.
What is going on?
What are you doing in there?
Uh, well, there is a story there.
It involves a trained Guatemalan kinkajou, a Bolshoi Ballet prima ballerina...
...and Olympic gold medalist, Duke Kahanamoku's surfboard. Tell her, Ted.
Uh, uh, uh...
- The kinkajou... - The kinkajou...
Oh, God, what is it now?
Good evening, Ms. Aldrin.
I didn't order room service.
- It says right here. - Lobster, caviar, champagne.
Four hundred dollars? I didn't order any of this.
Maybe Dearduff the Hooker ordered it.
Well, I'm not paying for room service the Hooker ordered.
I've been there.
Okay, you know what? I need to talk to the manager.
All right, where's that damn phone?
You too?
- Hey. - Robin, I need you to delete the last text...
...Lily got before she sees it. - Bro, it's my wedding weekend.
Just because you take a naked selfie while in the coldest part of the country...
First, I'm an Eriksen. Cold has a plumping effect.
Second, you owe me a "no questions asked."
All right, I'm at the alley near 22nd and 2nd. Now what?
No questions asked. Tell me about the giant trout you and your dad caught.
Well, it was more beast than trout...
...fought us for three hours and nearly dragged us both into Lake Winnibigoshish.
It was this big, and...
Hey. Run!
I never asked who those weirdoes were, why they called you "Night Falcon"...
...or what was in those darts they were blowing.
Your vision came back, didn't it? Huh. Wuss.
Fine, I'll take care of it. Just have to figure out how to get into Lily's room.
- Her door doesn't lock. You can just... - Room service.
Night Falcon, you're a genius. I'll call you when it's done.
Why would he call you guys before me?
Dude, you're not great in a crisis. What was that story you were prattling on about?
- What is a kinkajou? - Let's find it before she gets back.
I'm sorry, ma'am. You ordered it. You have to pay for it.
Not to mention the room damage you're responsible for. I've got a report:
Broken lock, faulty Wi-Fi, you've taken several items from the minibar.
- There is no minibar. - Stolen minibar.
Wait, it's not here.
Well, where else would it be?
Okay. I think it's time I call my lawyer.
Uh-oh.
We need to get to Lily's phone before she sees that text.
- On it. - Night Falcon on it.
Good thing I packed my unitard.
Wait.
- This is what we always do, isn't it? - Yeah.
We were both gonna bolt off and lone-wolf it without telling the other person a thing.
- Why do we do that? - I don't know.
Maybe we're just incapable of working as a unit.
You know, I bet even lone wolves can learn to work together.
I'd like to think so.
They could build their little woodland den together.
- Roam together. - Hunt together.
Lure prey into a tight corner and...
Snap its limbs with our powerful jaws...
...and watch the life drain from its eyes.
Aw.
Point is, we're gonna make a great team, we'll just need some practice.
Yeah. Let's prove that we believe in marriage...
...by working together to help Marshall hide something from his wife.
First, we take position in the lobby.
Then, you cause a distraction.
Then you send in a trained dove to grab Lily's phone.
The dove drops the phone into your hand, you delete the text...
...and toss it back on the counter.
Wait. It's absolutely insane how foolproof this plan is.
Sometimes it's best to just go simple.
Why do you have a gun? Why do you always have a gun?
- Where's Lily? - She went up 20 minutes ago.
You're kidding.
Courtney Dove, no.
I already lost Kurt Coo-bain, I can't lose you as well.
How are we gonna get Lily's phone now?
Oh. I already took care of that, and now I'm rewarding myself...
...with the inn's finest brandy.
- Bottoms up. - Well, thank you.
That's a warning. The dove's about to...
- What happened? - Well...
I think it's time I call my lawyer.
- Hi, baby. - You are never gonna believe this, but...
- Someone sent me a text. - Lily, stop.
- Why? - Because...
Because...
And that's when I realized that the answer had been there all along.
Throw your phone on the ground, smash it.
- What? No. Why would I? - I need you to do this, no questions asked.
You owe me a "no questions asked."
- Hey, Lil. What's...? - I need you to come to my classroom...
...with two dozen cupcakes and a box cutter. No questions asked.
Lily? I brought the...
Oh, my God.
Ted, put the cupcakes at the feet of their leader, then cut me loose.
Don't make eye contact.
- Ted... - No questions asked.
Well, interesting that I was the one who fixed everything...
...even though Marshall called me third.
Ninth, as I found out later, but I won't go into it.
The important thing is what happened right after the untimely death of Lily's phone.
So you didn't order room service...
...and you didn't order Prison Sluts Nine?
I am saying I did not order room service.
It is done, by me, your third call.
Actually, you were... Thank you. How did you do it?
I called in a "no questions asked" with Lily.
Why didn't you? You must have a million.
And Marshall thought back.
- Hello? - Hey, baby, it's me.
Can you come bail me out of jail? I thought I saw a bigfoot in Central Park...
...and so I tackled him, but it turned out to be Russell Brand.
Hey. Oh, do you mind looking up our vaccination records?
I tried to hug a raccoon.
Hey, babe, um, could you dig up our warranty?
I took the TV apart and I made a robot out of it.
- Hello? - Hey, I tackled Russell Brand again.
I've never asked Lily to do anything no questions asked because...
...I never wanted to.
She's the love of my life. I never keep anything from her.
Ted, put Lily on the phone.
Hey. It's Marshall.
Wanna tell me what's going on?
Yes. I was offered ajudgeship in New York.
And I took it. Even though we'd already agreed to move to Rome.
I'm gonna be a judge.
Lily?
You know, Marshall, I don't believe in ghosts.
And I'm not sure anyone died in our room.
But someone's going to.
"And I see in your eyes the emerald reefs of the primordial seas...
...a-froth with the first stirrings of life, infinite in mystery and miracle.
Forever yours, the guy you met at the drugstore an hour ago.
I heard you give your address to the pharmacist while I was buying foot powder."
Yeah.
Mailed it.
No, no, no.
Ripped By mstoll